Apathy

"Apathy is a state of indifference, or the suppression of emotions such as concern, excitement, motivation and passion. An apathetic individual has an absence of interest in or concern about emotional, social, spiritual, philosophical or physical life."

I recently listened to a story about homeless individuals living out of vehicles. In the story, the children were encouraged to be involved in as many "free" activities as possible, not only to fill time, but to combat apathy. (http://www.cbsnews.com%2Fvideo%2Fwatch%2F%3Fid%3D7389750n&h=4AQGkcQYDAQG0a8X9onXyLlMbeABCTOi2v3zjuTeZTyok0g) When I heard that word, "apathy," something clicked into place.

"OH!" I thought. "That's what I've been feeling lately!"

The last day of September the grant I worked for lost funding from the federal government and I lost a job. I've been exploring other avenues, but there was always a niggling at the back of my brain. I kept wondering why I wasn't more panicked, or more worried. I was reassured my reaction was normal, that it was a sign that things were going to be fine and I needed to relax, draw unemployment, take it easy for awhile. Easier said than done.

After almost 15 years of over-working every job, multitasking like nobody's business, and keeping children, marriage, career, and sometimes education balls in the air, I find it almost impossible to rest. I've been writing, even published a book through a POD publisher (http://shop.rowepublishingdesign.com/Dont-Stick-a-Bean-Up-Your-Nose-bean.htm). I joined SCBWI early on, found a support group, started writing! Had a couple of items published! I've been cooking for folks, earning enough to keep me busy.

But lately, I stopped going to writer's group. I confess, I didn't feel welcomed and am now using that as a reason not to return. (It's probably my own fault I felt that way.) Nothing to worry about, except now I'm not enjoying cooking. That's a big one for me. And contrary to what some might think, the problem is not the hard work involved in either venture.

I have moments when the sun seems to shine, my mind kicks into gear, and I feel almost normal. Except something is missing. I don't feel like I'm contributing enough as an unemployed person. I'm slipping into a state of semi-wakefulness where all I want to do is play Bingo on Facebook. My state of Bingoapathy has me greatly concerned.

SO! I will apply for the job that's 6 hours away. Perhaps I will have to drive home on the weekends, perhaps we will pack up and start over. But I have to do SOMETHING! After all, who wants to be defined, at the end of their life, as "apathetic?"

One more thought: I think there's also a lesson to be learned here. If you walk by someone who is unemployed, or homeless, or is low-income, understand that reactions of, "They don't want off welfare, they like it there!" might possibly be apathy on their part. It's very easy to become infected, and it leads, quickly, to depression. A little understanding goes a long way.

Blessed Be You and Yours this Holiday Season.

The Wedding Dress

I was privileged enough to be invited to shop with my beautiful daughter for her wedding dress. It was an amazing experience watching her. I couldn't get out of my mind that this was my little girl playing "dress-up."

Things are changing very quickly for my girl child, the one who doesn't like change. I want to catch her to me and hold her tight, protecting her from the heartache that's sure to come her way. But with great heartache, also comes great joy.

The man she's marrying will take care of her, as she will take care of him. They are a good match and, although I already miss her, her life will be more than blessed.

Sometimes it lasts in love but sometimes it hurts instead...

And with those words, Adele's amazing voice floats over the air and into my memory. Thirty years have passed, I am married to an amazing man, have lived a full and complete life with all the happiness and sorrow. And still I wonder, "What if..."

Damn it! I HATE that I remember and think about someone I don't even know anymore.

I HATE that words have the power to make me relive what was once lost.

I really hate that once upon a time, I gave someone the power to make me remember, even after 30 years.

And he threw it away.

Saying Goodbye to Yesterday

In our kitchen, attached to our refrigerator is a magnetic dry erase calendar. Today, I erased last week. With a little water and a cloth, it quickly disappeared into history. Wouldn't it be great if forgetting were that easy? If we could wipe away the bits we didn't like, leaving only the good stuff?

I struck me that I'd just wiped away an entire week of my life, and everything that had happened that week. Disturbing.

It's probably a good thing God's in charge of that kind of stuff because I can't decide; is it a good thing to move on, or a sad one?

The Club

This will come as no surprise to you, I'm sure. Our legislators are out of touch with the reality of the public. I live in Kansas and today read about the Governor's plan to reduce and eliminate childhood poverty. His plan is for the parents of these children to get married. Yes, that's it.

I've been aware of Gov. Brownback's plan for quite awhile now, it having been part of his platform when running for office. Yes, it still upsets me, but I fail to understand who people who voted for him were unaware that this was part of his plan for the state! Please, PLEASE! vote. and before you vote, at least go to each candidate's website and read their platform, or watch and listen to what they're saying. This should come as no surprise to anyone in Kansas.

What surprises me even more than that are folks who have lived in poverty not supporting those who are still there. It's almost like once you leave the club, you don't want anyone to know you were ever a member. And I understand why, truly I do. It's difficult to empathize when you've been successful.

(Just a sidebar here...if your parents paid for you to go to college, paid for your first house, or you are still living at home or taking money from your parents while you work a full-time job, you DID NOT make it on your own! WAKE UP!)

I'll admit I'm naive. However, when I see people who have been outcasts, poor, homeless, avoid places where others in the same situation reside, or congregate, I don't understand.

Another recent refrain from those who typically do not vote as I would is, "They're just jealous," or some other such nonsense. No, I do NOT envy you. In most cases, I pity you. If you can't hold a conversation with most people, or invite them to your house because you're afraid it will affect your social standing, YOU'RE A PRETENDER! Get over it.

Little Sister

I was very happy to take care of my little sister post-op when she decided to have a surgeon closer to me repair her neck. We enjoy each other and although she's recovering from surgery and there will be no trips to the casino or rummage sales, we still have plenty to laugh about. However, having my own challenges staying asleep, I am not thrilled about her nocturnal habit of being up several times in the night!

Despite living in a 4 bedroom house, 2 of which have their own bathrooms, she is convalescing in our adjustable, massaging bed. This is fine, it's helping her breath to have her head elevated and the vibrations puts her right to sleep. But she wanders and talks nonsense from the anesthesia, which means I need to be close lest she burn down the house.

The first night, I slept in the King size bed with her. Yeah, she snores. And not in the comforting, even sounds of my husband. And she kicked me! Twice!

Last night I slept outside the bedroom door on the family room sofa. Which attaches to the kitchen. Where the soda and chips are located. Ugh.

It would be fine if I could sleep through TV, which I can't. After several trips to the bathroom, a 3:00 am snack, a smoke break, and making breakfast to send my son off to school, I'm awake. Again.

Break out the flame retardant pajamas, I'm sleeping in the guestroom tonight.

Compassion and Taxes

For years I refused to tell anyone I was raised in poverty. I dressed, talked, and acted as if I had no idea what poverty was like. I saw the look in the eyes of other professionals when they knew someone had lived in poverty. If the person who had lived in poverty had an opinion, or wanted to contributed, they were suspect.

One day, I was tired of the charade. I was raised in poverty, I've been there, and I know what it's like. I also know we live in a world of pretenders and when you are desperately poor, so poor that you accept food from the community food pantry so your children will have something to eat, there is no room for pretense.

And so, because my reality is different from the reality of those who have control of the dollars, and my viewpoint is not valued because it comes from a different perspective, I have limited choices. Oh, for the days when I was silent and invisible.

I have compassion for my fellow man, and will provide help when needed. Do I get taken advantage of? Probably. But not enough to make a true difference in my own financial situation. I'm more concerned about the fees I've had to pay over the years, in interest, penalties, late fees, and yes taxes to those who are making record breaking profits on the back of my labor. That concerns me much more than the $10 I gave to a homeless person who used it to buy cheese and beer.

Perhaps my viewpoint should change? I'd love to see the view from the very top looking down and try to understand the motivation of those who do not care about other human beings. But I'm afraid I can't. I have a conscience. My husband always tells me I will never be rich because I care too much for other people. If that's true, and I've sealed my fate, I'm ok with that.

LEARN THE ISSUES! LEARN THE TRUTH BEFORE YOU VOTE!

The Intelligence of the Natural World

During my mother's life I can remember her talking about an earthquake that would separate the US down the middle, and one that would make California fall into the ocean. This morning, that doesn't seem like such a sci-fi scare tactic.
A 4.5 magnitude earthquake struck around 2:30 am between TULSA and OKLAHOMA CITY! What the hell?
We are used to Spring flooding so bad that you can navigate easier by boat than car. I've seen tornadoes wipe out complete cities. The last few years we've had blizzards and enough snow to make Colorado jealous. But earthquakes? This is a new one. It leaves me wondering, "What exactly is happening to our planet?" and "Are we misunderstanding possible intelligence of natural forces?"
At first, I wondered if my awareness of natural disasters and their seeming increase should be attributed to the explosion of media awareness. Our television rarely misses a day, I'm online most days, it's difficult to miss big national or world events. Now, it seems fairly obvious that something significant is happening and that a paradigm shift has begun.
Call it a flight of fancy, but do you suppose it's possible that Mother Nature is fighting back? The Earth's population recently reached 7 billion. Despite natural disasters wiping out significant numbers of humans, we still continue to proliferate. Viruses, insects, earthquakes, floods, hurricanes, tornadoes, cancer...and our population is still growing. I'm waiting for the tipping point, where the natural world forces us to live in homeostasis with our surroundings lest we be obliterated. Are we there?

Yup

So here I am, still lying in bed, hoping that fantastic line that was running through my head while I slept will come back to me! Oh I hate it when that happens.
I went to bed last night knowing I sometimes are most creative as I doze and as I wake. So, I was sleeping lightly, trying to capture those thoughts, repeating them over and over, and yet I still lost them.
I do remember the stupid dream I had. I flew to Hawaii with my husband and youngest child for my birthday. While we were there, my mother-in-law called and told me to come over, that everyone was at her house for a party. Yep, guilt. In Hawaii. Then, it rained the entire time we were there. I have no idea what that means.
Rock on.

Article Published!

Bonus post! What a fantastic day this has been! I won't share most of the great things as they're not mine to share. Mine is this article what was published by Vagabundo magazine! http://www.vagabundomagazine.com/off-the-beaten-path-can-be-close-to-home/

An Obsession with Weather

My husband is obsessed with the Weather Channel. He can sit in front of the TV and watch it for hours at a time! This used to shock me because he's an active person with a need to be constantly busy. Do the patterns and repetition calm him? Is he fascinated by what he can't control? No idea.

This morning, I found myself watching the forecast, anticipation burning inside me. After a very mild Autumn, the weather is about to change here in the heartland. One of the best things about living in Kansas is the seasons. An old joke goes something like, "If you don't like the weather, wait 5 minutes." Sometimes, that's literally true!

For Midwesterners, perhaps this fascination with weather comes from farming ancestry and the necessity of divining when to plant, when to harvest. Or, perhaps the stark landscape and austere surroundings leave very little to talk about and so we recognize the beauty in what we have. Or, perhaps the weather extremes, which we are privy to, both fascinate and repel us, leaving us constantly on guard. Either way, most of the native population is weather savvy.

So now comes winter, barreling down from the Rockies, ready or not. And with it, comes the reminders, deep in my joints, that I'm no longer a spring chicken. The older I get, the more I recognize the reasons for summer homes in Florida. I have a friend there who may get a winter visitor! :) But not before I see the magical transformation of snow wiping clean the past year and readying all for the spring, and bringing the hope of possibilities.

Why We Do The Things We Do

In another life, I was on the delivering end of professional development for educators. It always astounded me when I came across someone who was using a particular method without understanding why. My mind almost always goes to the "why." What I came to learn was, there was so much to do, they sometimes skipped over the "why" and went straight to the "how." While I understand the "why" of what they did, I was left to speculate about the advisability of this habit.

Time and again, I would see well-meaning human beings use teaching methods that were not appropriate for the students they were teaching. As progress was denied, Teacher blame families for not doing whatever it is they should be doing, Families blame teachers for not doing their job, Students are caught up in the argument, and Government and Administrators, who insisted the teacher use the method, fail to acknowledge they have created a system that is designed to fail.

The very best educators have a "bag of strategies." They understand the need to keep abreast of research in their field, and also understand that one single strategy will not work with every student; we are too diverse in our humanity, our experiences too broad.

Although my experience has been within the field of education, this phenomenon happens broadly. I remember encountering it in college, both in my classes, and at my part-time job at a fast food restaurant. There, management didn't want you to know the "why's" because they were afraid you'd replace them! By maintaining ignorance of employees, we were kept "in our place."

I always think of these things when it gets close to election time. Remember the saying, "Knowledge is Power?" It's never so true as when making choices. This is why we have reader's advisories, and consumer guides. It's why the Internet is so popular and Michael Moore is rich. Why then, isn't divergent, mind-stretching, questioning valued more in our public school system? Are we churning out a generation of individuals who all think the same?

If you are a parent, I encourage you to teach your children to think critically and question everything. It's where true intelligence comes from and it's not taught in many schools. If you are a student, start asking, "Why?" If you're a teacher, find the answers. The day is coming where you'll need to know the answer.