The irony of the wanting, and perhaps the true lesson, is it's when we stop needing the approval of others that our true selves shines through. It's in the casting off of the aspirations with which others label us that our soul soars. For when the cloak of winter falls away, the flower blooms.
And in the sunshine of this new day, let the blooming begin!
Peace
About 10 years ago now, I started having lots of trouble with my body giving out. It didn't help that I was carrying around too much weight. So, I began to exercise. Anything that involves dancing or rhythm is really not my thing, but I found if I could do it without anyone else watching, I at least got a good workout!
Lately, I've been using Wii fitness. Pretty neat stuff. There's still a part of me that things I'm having too much fun for this to actually be good for me. However, I'm moving the moveable parts of my body and that appears to be a major component of aging gracefully.
Most of us have poundage that we want to shed. We look different, we feel different, we act differently than when we were young and svelte. But the truth of the matter is, fat is almost impossible to get rid of once it's on. For those of you who doubt me, try being fat for awhile. (almost is a key word here)
I'm not making excuses. It is what it is. What I would like to get across is this: I don't care how overweight you are, to live fully, you must move. And yes, that often means in front of other people who will laugh at you if you jiggle while you jog, or second guess your bathing suit choices. Doesn't matter. If there's something I've learned from the older ladies at the gym, it's we all age. Those of us who move more and care less about the pointing and laughing get to live longer, and be happy while we're living, one of the byproducts of exercise.
There are a few people I've been privileged to know that amaze me at their level of athleticism even into their 60's, 70's, and above! Although I'm not an athlete, I hope that the work I'm doing now will keep me from becoming part of the chair. Give it some thought!
I sometimes have trouble reconciling this person I am to that one I was. I don't even have the same opinions, and I definitely don't look the same. What happened to me?
Many of you are probably thinking that I grew up. Well, I hope not. I hope I still have some playfulness in me and have retained a childlike sense of fun. I hope I grew down, not up! How fortunate I would be if that were true!
I think, at some point after my divorce, I found what I had lost years before. I think I found my soul.
As melodramatic as that may sound, the simple act of living life according to the expectations of others can suck the life out of the strongest person. Years of unrealistic stressors and ignorance of, well, so much, formed someone that I didn't start out to be! I genuinely feel sorry for teenagers. They are under so much pressure!
These days, I have a tattoo, that no-one who isn't married to me will ever see, to mark the occasion of me coming back to me. It's a flower, which means nothing to anyone else but myself. It's a reminder that I cannot live happy and free while trying to be who I am not.
These days, it's all good.
I'm just me. Doing what I do. Being who I am. Living my life, and measuring my success according to the standards I write (present tense, they are revised upon occasion) specially for me.
And if you don't like me? I'm ok with that. And if you have more stuff than me? That's fantastic! Congratulations! And if you're more beautiful? I'm finding that women seem to peak in their 40's! (take note all you men)
The funny part is, no-one cares anymore. All that early worrying was for nil! I wish teenagers could understand, very early on, BE WHO YOU ARE! You get to be so much happier when that happens!
Do you know me? Did you know me? Do you know what I've achieved? Overcome? What will be? No.
The only one who knows it all, is me. The greatest gift aging has taught me is, there are motivators behind most actions and reasons for everything. And it's never all about any one person.
I love that.
The futility of seeking “why” is subdued, for a time, at the understanding that death never makes sense. There will forever be something else to do, something left undone. One more hug to give, one more wedding, or smile, or thought will always make a difference.
The gentle, comforting knowledge that we are not here to understand life and death, makes pain more bearable. We are here to live, as best we can, in the giving and receiving of happiness, thus the continual pursuit.
Smile! Laugh! Frolic! For surely, there will too soon come another day of debt when great clouds of gloom will block the sun and time will swallow life, leaving us to wait for the moment when we once again find meaning in a sunset.
My pain is not your pain. But pain it is.
My joy is not your joy. But share I will. For life is big, and broad, and full! And finite.
And then, something happened to bring the past crashing back. My step-dad died. And I didn't know how to feel about it.
Honestly? I didn't feel much of anything. There were lots of not-good years and he and I weren't the best of friends.
And yet, I couldn't feel sad. When my mom died, so did any relationship I had with the man. The best I could do was feel sad because everyone should have someone who will miss him when they die. This was a new experience for me. Someone I had known, who'd been part of my life for at least 30 years, was gone. And I wasn't sad, or happy.
Then I got a call from my nephew. Over 30 years old, he was none the less crying. He'd lost his grandpa. A part of my heart expanded. Someone would miss James and somehow, that brought back his humanity.
I firmly believe that if you look hard enough, you can see the good in anyone and so, I cracked open the storeroom of memories and pulled one out.
If there is one song that always makes me think of James, Eric Clapton's, "Lay Down Sally," is it. When Mom and James danced to this song, he only had eyes for her.
The door is closed again and that's the best way to keep that room. Some things need to stay in the dark, at least for now. I hope that someday I'll open that door and there will be nothing but dust. And I hope that, like I'm doing for James, when I'm gone, the good things will be remembered.
http://youtu.be/9hQqP6RNnDE Rest in Peace.
