Hello New Year!

2011 has not been the best year for me, I admit. The day after Thanksgiving, I felt myself hoping for a quick Christmas so we could wrap things up and get on with 2012. I shopped online, finishing off lists as early as possible. We decorated inside, but skipped the outside lights. I stocked up on books and spent December in a haze.

And then, something happened to bring the past crashing back. My step-dad died. And I didn't know how to feel about it.

Honestly? I didn't feel much of anything. There were lots of not-good years and he and I weren't the best of friends.

And yet, I couldn't feel sad. When my mom died, so did any relationship I had with the man. The best I could do was feel sad because everyone should have someone who will miss him when they die. This was a new experience for me. Someone I had known, who'd been part of my life for at least 30 years, was gone. And I wasn't sad, or happy.

Then I got a call from my nephew. Over 30 years old, he was none the less crying. He'd lost his grandpa. A part of my heart expanded. Someone would miss James and somehow, that brought back his humanity.

I firmly believe that if you look hard enough, you can see the good in anyone and so, I cracked open the storeroom of memories and pulled one out.

If there is one song that always makes me think of James, Eric Clapton's, "Lay Down Sally," is it. When Mom and James danced to this song, he only had eyes for her.

The door is closed again and that's the best way to keep that room. Some things need to stay in the dark, at least for now. I hope that someday I'll open that door and there will be nothing but dust. And I hope that, like I'm doing for James, when I'm gone, the good things will be remembered.

http://youtu.be/9hQqP6RNnDE Rest in Peace.