the Pandemic

Panic, anxiety, the inability to sleep well, murder hornets.  The inability to name my fears for fear that will give them actual power. Fear this will never end.  Fear of pain.  Pain.  Pain.  Loss. Loss. Loss. Loss.  Loss.

A real sense that time is running out.  Possibly for all of us.  Which sounds overly dramatic and overwrought but right now, in this moment, feels like it could be the literal truth.

Where is hope?

Before and After...

The Year After You, Nina de Pass

What was life like before COVID-19?  I'm so frightened I'll forget that I feel a strong pull to write things down, to remember what "normal" felt like.

I used to get in the car and go anywhere.  Driving was freedom.  Windows down, music up, bare feet on the dashboard.

Now, getting in the car means remembering to bring a mask.  Anxiety about not having to pee before I get where I'm going.  Being prepared with snappy comebacks should I be challenged about wearing my (mandated) face covering.  Feeling unsafe in the world.

Shopping for clothes in a store with other people was fun.  Trying on new items, seeing what my body looked like in a store mirror with the latest dress, pants, shirt, bathing suit.  Making selections and paying while smiling at the clerk.

Now I shop online and send back what I buy when my rubenesque figure, newly plump from lack of movement, strains "my size" clothing.  Clothes purchased for the current season are not appropriate when they reach me.  Clothes that no one outside my immediate family will ever see.

I used to put on makeup and drive to work, where I couldn't wait to leave and drive to a different destination.

Now I cover my makeup with a mask and worry about touching everything, breathing the air of others, others breathing my air...

Worry is probably the worst thing.  

I worried before, I admit.  Anxiety is part of my genetic makeup and it can strangle me, make me immobile, leave me laying on a sofa or in a bed for days, weeks, months.

Now, that feeling, the one that tells me I'm choking, never goes away.  It is who I am and it's worse outside my fortress (home).  

Tears fall several times a day.

Not only for how I feel now, but for what I've lost.  What's we've all lost.

For the experiences, the conversations, the relationships, the time we've all lost.  That will never be regained.

Savior Syndrome

I had a conversation this morning with a teacher regarding their need to "keep kids safe" by starting school on time.  In classic savior syndrome fashion, she spouted a need to "keep her kids safe."

Kids don't need to be saved from their family.  If they do, that's the role of a social worker, not a teacher, although teachers are mandated to report abuse in my state. 

I too want normality-but not at the expense of children's lives.  "Let's see what happens when we open schools," is not ok with me.  Especially when it's done in the name of capitalism.  

How many more must die before we let go of our political leanings long enough to look up and see?

Summer, 2020

My first COVID-19 test came back negative.  I didn't realize how much I'd been holding my breath until the results came back.  Now, someone else close to me is waiting.  

Life feels like it's in a holding pattern.  Just when we think we have things somehow under "control" and are used to staying away from each other while gathering, a wrench is thrown into the plans.  

This is a year of drive-by birthday parties, watching babies grow from a distance, missing hugs and laughter, and waiting. 

There is so much anger at the establishment.  So much anger at the lack of leadership from elected officials.  So much anger at economic and racial disparities.  So much anger at authoritarian dictator bullshit.

SO MUCH ANGER AND FRUSTRATION at not having even an iota of control over this situation and a sense of time wasted that will never be recovered.

This is a picture of my backyard.  They are baling CRP grass.  If you look closely, there is light in the shadows-you just have to know where to look.  May we all continue the search.

PJB 6th Birthday!

July 7, 2020

Today is my beautiful grand daughter's 6th birthday.  Lightness and giggles, love and sass, she is everything.  She loves unicorns and princesses, Pinky Pie and cantaloupe and Flamingos!  She's learning to swim and to read, though she likes reading less.  She will be a decent athlete if someone works with her.  She still sucks her thumb and she loves to play chase with our dog, Bentley.  She will play with him for hours.  What a blessing she is in our lives.

Crying on the Inside

How long until the compassion is gone? How many must die before we don’t care? How close will death come before our shell is shattered? 

Haven’t read the book but the parable could be my life.

https://www.google.com/amp/s/racingtolive.wordpress.com/2012/04/16/parableofthebutterfly/amp/

I'm On Vacation!

7/1/2020
In case you can't tell, I'm on vacation.  Yes, that's a tree in my backyard.  Yes, it's raining for the first time in at least 30 days.  Yes, we are in the midst of a pandemic.  Yes, I'm still on vacation.

Today I renewed my membership to SCBWI and Kansas Author's Club.  See, I realized the thing I want to do during this time of world-wide crisis is finish the book I've been writing for years.  Yet I'm scared.  I want you to like it.  I don't want your criticism.  I know it will happen.  Am I ready to hear the hate you'll throw at me?  Maybe.  Maybe it's worth the risk to tell my story.  When I reach the tipping point of telling the story being more important than the criticism, it will be ready.  Soon I hope.

Last night and this morning I was texting with friends and we agree-it feels like we are all waiting to see who survives.  That we have reached the Covid tipping point and are over the edge of the world.  It's too late to control, well, anything!

So why not?  When you're at the end and just waiting, why not let it all hang out?

Pandemic:  COVID-19 is crazy.  I've read account from nurses who describe it as trying to shovel cement out of lungs.  You don't know where it's at, what surface not to touch.  My hands are raw from washing continuously.  I don't leave the house much and when I do I'm beset with panic attacks.  People are screaming at each other for not wearing a mask.  Videos surface daily of adults throwing fits, pointing guns as each other, screaming obscenities either because they want someone to wear a mask or because they don't want to wear one themselves. 

Plus, the Police keep shooting black people for no reason. 

And that leads me directly to Trump.

I don't even know how to begin to describe what we are living through with Trump having been elected President of this great nation.  My national pride has been questioned but yes, I still believe America is the greatest place on the planet.  NOT because of capitalism, but because of guaranteed freedoms.  Yet Trump is testing everything I thought this nation was about.  Now I feel attacked if I open my mouth. 

And worse than that, I'm a white woman who is middle aged so I get lumped into the "She voted for Trump," category automatically when the EXACT OPPOSITE is true.  First world problems.

But I'll tell you something more scary-the US is fast on the way to becoming 2nd or 3rd world.  And it's because of Trump, his followers, and their inability to consider any viewpoint not their own. 

Listen, money is not everything.  It's not.  And if you voted for Trump and I pissed you off, I'm not surprised.  But you don't count any more than I do.  Trump and his flunkies could buy and sell your entire family.  Even if you have a pool, a boat, a third residence.  You don't matter to them.

But your life does matter to me.

And that's the difference I hope to make in this world.

Now, back to the vacation!

Coming of Age with Horses

Sometimes I think this blog should be called, "The Coming of Age of a Middle-Aged Woman."  :)  The older I get the more I realize how much more there is to learn!  The good thing about new experiences is, it gives me an opportunity to see things from a different point of view, and sometimes, when I'm fortunate, to find clarity.

A friend of mine invited me to an event last month called, "Spirit Horse."  Now, I'm not a horsewoman, though I've always loved horses.  They are beautiful creatures and just watching them in a field makes me happy in the way the first flowers of spring make me happy.

Yet, I hesitated to attend.  For the past 15 years I've attended hundreds, if not thousands of trainings, presenting sessions myself at a good number of them.  I'm aware of most tactics and theories of professional development.  My head has been filled with the thoughts and ideas behind human behavior, most of which I've found suspicious and confusing.  However, one of my personal goals has been to make more time for friends in my life.  And so when my friend invited me, I went.

I have to say, for someone who thought they'd heard it all, I didn't know a thing!  I was pleasantly surprised by the thoughtfulness and compassion with which this training was delivered.  Repeatedly throughout the day "It's hard to describe in words," was said and that's true, though of course, I'll always try, though I suspect the day was different for each person and I can only speak for myself. 

For me, the day was an opportunity to examine how we feel about ourselves and how we interact with others.  It was a chance to identify our hesitations and weaknesses and find our place within humanity.  Now to some of you that may sound pretty wishy-washy.  I understand the skeptical way of thinking, really I do.  But I also was at the training.  And I'd go again.

Confession time.  I often find humans confusing.  I don't understand people who seem to lack compassion for others.  (some of you are not surprised to read that, I'm sure)  I don't understand hurtful behavior and so I have a select group of individuals that I trust and interact with.  In the past I haven't "liked" many people.  Cared about, yes, but liked?  Not so much.

As I slowed down and watched the "horse herd" interact, the experience gave me the confidence to be ok with me and my shortcomings.  Guarded, questioning, insecure me was suddenly ok.  I know this because a horse saw something in me and trusted me enough to become my friend.  Yep, my friend.   I watched some horses protect those who seemed most vulnerable, including a remarkable woman who is almost 90!  I watched the oldest horse play with the youngest horse.  And I watched the horse who couldn't quite find his identity, who was a bit insecure in the group, smile at me.

I also learned something else about me.  I've heard many times over the years that you should take care of yourself or you won't be able to take care of others.  Mmmm Hmmm...Yeah, yeah.  Try exercising with an eighteen month old when you don't have money to pay for a sitter so you can go to the gym.  The horses, however, take care of themselves.  If they didn't, they'd never be able to support a rider.  I started thinking about my family pictures.  My husband is not obese.  My children are all healthy and in shape.  I am the "odd man out."  It is obvious, just from looking at our pictures, who I don't care enough about.  I had to find my own self worth so I could take care of me.  And I did.

With an open, honest heart that understood I had something to contribute, I learned how to approach the horse, where to stroke, and how to get him to go where I wanted him to go.  And he followed me.   I haven't been that joyous in a very long time.  I conquered my fear, tried something new, and succeeded!  I had something important to contribute!

I've been back to visit twice, once because I needed to feel that calming presence of the horses again and once on what's becoming a regularly scheduled volunteer visit.  I took my youngest son with me and he has also felt the calming presence and found joy in these animals.

Am I imagining things?  I don't think so.  There's much out there about equine therapy and these horses work with individuals with disabilities on a regular basis with amazing results.  Either way, I'm trying to apply what I learn with the horses to my interactions with humans.  I'm paying attention, trying to decide where to "stroke" and how to "get them to go where I want."  Perhaps when I figure out where I'm going I'll be ready to lead again.