Sometimes I think this blog should be called, "The Coming of Age of a Middle-Aged Woman." :) The older I get the more I realize how much more there is to learn! The good thing about new experiences is, it gives me an opportunity to see things from a different point of view, and sometimes, when I'm fortunate, to find clarity.
A friend of mine invited me to an event last month called, "Spirit Horse." Now, I'm not a horsewoman, though I've always loved horses. They are beautiful creatures and just watching them in a field makes me happy in the way the first flowers of spring make me happy.
Yet, I hesitated to attend. For the past 15 years I've attended hundreds, if not thousands of trainings, presenting sessions myself at a good number of them. I'm aware of most tactics and theories of professional development. My head has been filled with the thoughts and ideas behind human behavior, most of which I've found suspicious and confusing. However, one of my personal goals has been to make more time for friends in my life. And so when my friend invited me, I went.
I have to say, for someone who thought they'd heard it all, I didn't know a thing! I was pleasantly surprised by the thoughtfulness and compassion with which this training was delivered. Repeatedly throughout the day "It's hard to describe in words," was said and that's true, though of course, I'll always try, though I suspect the day was different for each person and I can only speak for myself.
For me, the day was an opportunity to examine how we feel about ourselves and how we interact with others. It was a chance to identify our hesitations and weaknesses and find our place within humanity. Now to some of you that may sound pretty wishy-washy. I understand the skeptical way of thinking, really I do. But I also was at the training. And I'd go again.
Confession time. I often find humans confusing. I don't understand people who seem to lack compassion for others. (some of you are not surprised to read that, I'm sure) I don't understand hurtful behavior and so I have a select group of individuals that I trust and interact with. In the past I haven't "liked" many people. Cared about, yes, but liked? Not so much.
As I slowed down and watched the "horse herd" interact, the experience gave me the confidence to be ok with me and my shortcomings. Guarded, questioning, insecure me was suddenly ok. I know this because a horse saw something in me and trusted me enough to become my friend. Yep, my friend. I watched some horses protect those who seemed most vulnerable, including a remarkable woman who is almost 90! I watched the oldest horse play with the youngest horse. And I watched the horse who couldn't quite find his identity, who was a bit insecure in the group, smile at me.
I also learned something else about me. I've heard many times over the years that you should take care of yourself or you won't be able to take care of others. Mmmm Hmmm...Yeah, yeah. Try exercising with an eighteen month old when you don't have money to pay for a sitter so you can go to the gym. The horses, however, take care of themselves. If they didn't, they'd never be able to support a rider. I started thinking about my family pictures. My husband is not obese. My children are all healthy and in shape. I am the "odd man out." It is obvious, just from looking at our pictures, who I don't care enough about. I had to find my own self worth so I could take care of me. And I did.
With an open, honest heart that understood I had something to contribute, I learned how to approach the horse, where to stroke, and how to get him to go where I wanted him to go. And he followed me. I haven't been that joyous in a very long time. I conquered my fear, tried something new, and succeeded! I had something important to contribute!
I've been back to visit twice, once because I needed to feel that calming presence of the horses again and once on what's becoming a regularly scheduled volunteer visit. I took my youngest son with me and he has also felt the calming presence and found joy in these animals.
Am I imagining things? I don't think so. There's much out there about equine therapy and these horses work with individuals with disabilities on a regular basis with amazing results. Either way, I'm trying to apply what I learn with the horses to my interactions with humans. I'm paying attention, trying to decide where to "stroke" and how to "get them to go where I want." Perhaps when I figure out where I'm going I'll be ready to lead again.
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