Before and After...

The Year After You, Nina de Pass

What was life like before COVID-19?  I'm so frightened I'll forget that I feel a strong pull to write things down, to remember what "normal" felt like.

I used to get in the car and go anywhere.  Driving was freedom.  Windows down, music up, bare feet on the dashboard.

Now, getting in the car means remembering to bring a mask.  Anxiety about not having to pee before I get where I'm going.  Being prepared with snappy comebacks should I be challenged about wearing my (mandated) face covering.  Feeling unsafe in the world.

Shopping for clothes in a store with other people was fun.  Trying on new items, seeing what my body looked like in a store mirror with the latest dress, pants, shirt, bathing suit.  Making selections and paying while smiling at the clerk.

Now I shop online and send back what I buy when my rubenesque figure, newly plump from lack of movement, strains "my size" clothing.  Clothes purchased for the current season are not appropriate when they reach me.  Clothes that no one outside my immediate family will ever see.

I used to put on makeup and drive to work, where I couldn't wait to leave and drive to a different destination.

Now I cover my makeup with a mask and worry about touching everything, breathing the air of others, others breathing my air...

Worry is probably the worst thing.  

I worried before, I admit.  Anxiety is part of my genetic makeup and it can strangle me, make me immobile, leave me laying on a sofa or in a bed for days, weeks, months.

Now, that feeling, the one that tells me I'm choking, never goes away.  It is who I am and it's worse outside my fortress (home).  

Tears fall several times a day.

Not only for how I feel now, but for what I've lost.  What's we've all lost.

For the experiences, the conversations, the relationships, the time we've all lost.  That will never be regained.