Apathy

"Apathy is a state of indifference, or the suppression of emotions such as concern, excitement, motivation and passion. An apathetic individual has an absence of interest in or concern about emotional, social, spiritual, philosophical or physical life."

I recently listened to a story about homeless individuals living out of vehicles. In the story, the children were encouraged to be involved in as many "free" activities as possible, not only to fill time, but to combat apathy. (http://www.cbsnews.com%2Fvideo%2Fwatch%2F%3Fid%3D7389750n&h=4AQGkcQYDAQG0a8X9onXyLlMbeABCTOi2v3zjuTeZTyok0g) When I heard that word, "apathy," something clicked into place.

"OH!" I thought. "That's what I've been feeling lately!"

The last day of September the grant I worked for lost funding from the federal government and I lost a job. I've been exploring other avenues, but there was always a niggling at the back of my brain. I kept wondering why I wasn't more panicked, or more worried. I was reassured my reaction was normal, that it was a sign that things were going to be fine and I needed to relax, draw unemployment, take it easy for awhile. Easier said than done.

After almost 15 years of over-working every job, multitasking like nobody's business, and keeping children, marriage, career, and sometimes education balls in the air, I find it almost impossible to rest. I've been writing, even published a book through a POD publisher (http://shop.rowepublishingdesign.com/Dont-Stick-a-Bean-Up-Your-Nose-bean.htm). I joined SCBWI early on, found a support group, started writing! Had a couple of items published! I've been cooking for folks, earning enough to keep me busy.

But lately, I stopped going to writer's group. I confess, I didn't feel welcomed and am now using that as a reason not to return. (It's probably my own fault I felt that way.) Nothing to worry about, except now I'm not enjoying cooking. That's a big one for me. And contrary to what some might think, the problem is not the hard work involved in either venture.

I have moments when the sun seems to shine, my mind kicks into gear, and I feel almost normal. Except something is missing. I don't feel like I'm contributing enough as an unemployed person. I'm slipping into a state of semi-wakefulness where all I want to do is play Bingo on Facebook. My state of Bingoapathy has me greatly concerned.

SO! I will apply for the job that's 6 hours away. Perhaps I will have to drive home on the weekends, perhaps we will pack up and start over. But I have to do SOMETHING! After all, who wants to be defined, at the end of their life, as "apathetic?"

One more thought: I think there's also a lesson to be learned here. If you walk by someone who is unemployed, or homeless, or is low-income, understand that reactions of, "They don't want off welfare, they like it there!" might possibly be apathy on their part. It's very easy to become infected, and it leads, quickly, to depression. A little understanding goes a long way.

Blessed Be You and Yours this Holiday Season.